My question is short and simple? How do I overcome feelings of inferiority in my intimate relationship with the man I adore? In fact the man I worship.
Yours feeling Stupid
Dear Feeling Stupid
When I read your email I had to sit on it for a number of days. My initial reaction was to draft a response that told you not to be silly and to remember your self-worth and how amazing you are. But that would have been more about me and nothing about really listening and responding to you.
I sat on your email as when I read it, I told myself I have never felt that way. I’ve always felt like a Goddess in my relationships, on even-footing, comfortable in my own power.
Except that’s not true.
Years ago. And I’m talking about 15 years ago. I was in a very serious relationship with a man that we shall call cheating pigface. Ok, ok, that’s not very yoga of me and 15 years later I have truly got over it, so we will just call him pigface.
Pigface and I got engaged. A month later I found out he’d been having an affair for quite some time. I was a very very very very messy girl. But that’s another tale for another day.
I moved away from London and set up home in a new town and shortly afterwards started work in a bar. On my first night, one of the other barmen walked in to start his shift. And time stopped moving. What followed was a friendship, a relationship, a marriage and a divorce.
For the years of our friendship and relationship I never felt good enough for him. I had him on a very tall pedestal. I used to think people would look at us and ask ‘what’s he doing with her’. Now obviously in hindsight and with a few more years under my belt I can look back and see that pigface had knocked my self esteem out of the ballpark but when I was in it, I was in it.
Now, your letter was short FS, so I don’t know if there has been a pigface in your past that hit you with an emotional wrecking ball. But I can imagine that somehow for some reason you have put your partner on a pedestal and you need to lower it down before he falls off and all sorts of problems you don’t need come worming their way up.
With the use of the word worship, it seems you have decided somewhere in your subconcious that here is a man worth worshipping but you don’t feel that he should be worshipping you in response. In order to be fully confident in our sexual relationships we need to feel confident, wanted and adored. You have these things for your partner but you don’t have them for yourself. My guess is that your partner has no idea you feel this way.
So what can you do? Is it possible I wonder FS, to have a conversation with your man, either now or later to explain a little of how you feel. To share your need to feel worshipped, adored and wanted? If that feels like a mountain too big to climb right now, we could instead start inwards.
I’ve spoken about the chakras before in this blog and for you we need to bring a bit more sparkle to your lower chakras, your svadisthana and manipura chakras. Svadisthana is the seat of your sexuality. This is the centre for joy and pleasure particularly when it comes to our sexual relationships. Your inner goddess is residing here and we need to wake her up. Your manipura chakra is your self-esteem, your confidence and bravery and we need to put a little polish on this one.
So my prescription for you is this. Svadisthana is awakened through movement and creativity. If you like to dance, DANCE! Have you heard of No Lights, No Lycra? They have sober dance parties all over the country each week. You dance your socks off and then go home. Or if that’s not for you how about Nia. I cannot recommend Nia enough, it’s yoga, dance and meditation combined. You will walk out feeling like Lakshmi I swear. Go weekly, make it your private practice and see what difference it makes to how your feel about yourself.
And for Manipura, I’m not sure if you practice yoga or not. If you do, a handstand a day for the next three months please. If you don’t, google kapalbhati breath and practice it each morning to ignite your agni.
Do these things and all the while remember to use some positive affirmations, say them to yourself if you prefer to keep things private or pop some post-it notes around your house to remind yourself that you are amazing, you are a goddess, there is no one else on this planet who is quite like you, isn’t that just incredible?
And when you are feeling brave. Share your feelings with your man. Let him know how much you adore him and what you need from him to feel adored it return.
Then let the sparks fly.